6 Important Things to Know When Someone is Grieving

When you are grieving it’s common for people to want to offer up their own stories of grieving to you. I think mostly that it somehow shows they support you and they understand how you feel. And as nice as that is, we must remember that everyone does grief in their own way. Sit with them and just listen. Just be there. Let them speak, let them cry, let them be angry. Offer them a space to feel what they need to feel.

1. The “Don’t Do or Say” List

Don’t say, “I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now.” That’s simply not true. You can. You can feel it and that’s why it’s so uncomfortable. Now take that feeling and multiply it by a bazillion. That is how they are feeling.

Don’t say stuff like, “I waited to call you because I figured you would want to be alone.” Just send the text or make that call. Better to be straight up told the person wants to be alone than to give them the impression that you are not available to them.

Don’t say, “Oh, he died of lung cancer? He was a smoker, right?” No one would ever say (well, probably mostly no one), “Oh, he died of a heart attack? He was overweight and rarely exercised, right? He didn’t eat healthy, right?”

Don’t say, “I could never handle that.” Well, the fact is, yes… yes you can and someday you might have to. Don’t make it about yourself.

Don’t say, “Stay strong.” “You’ve got to stay strong for your kids.”
They do not have to stay strong. They can cry and yell and they can be angry. Don’t encourage them to keep all that bottled up inside. That isn’t healthy at all. And it’s a good thing for their children to see the human side of suffering and how to go through it in a healthy way. It’s not only okay to cry, it’s the only way through it.

Don’t say, “He lost his battle with (insert disease here.)”
First of all, the disease is something that happens to us. More often than not, it’s not something a human can win or lose. It’s not a damn game. Second, “lost a battle” implies there is a winner and a loser and you are referring to that person’s loved one as a loser. It is more appropriate to say that person died from (insert disease.)

Although you are intending to be kind and sympathetic, there are some things that should not be said to someone grieving.

Don’t ever say:

“At least…”
“At least he is no longer suffering.”
“At least you have time to do this or that now.” If you are trying to be a comfort to someone who has lost someone or is losing someone, please don’t start your sentence off with the words at least.

“Look at the bright side…”
There literally is no bright side for someone who just lost a spouse or a parent or a child—or anyone dear to them—even a pet! Nope. Their world has just crashed upon them. Don’t tell them to look for, or that somehow there is any bright side. In their own time, they will find things that make them happy or at least not unhappy all the time. For right now though, a bright side seems far away for them.

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” Say what? I don’t think anyone should have to explain why this is a terrible thing to say—but I will. What a devastating and outright cruel thing to say to someone going through a loss! The implication is that if you are struggling with this grief you are somehow weak. You might not intend for it to come across like that but trust me—if you say this that is exactly what you are expressing.

“She’s/he’s in a better place.”
“His mother in heaven needed him more than you did.”
“It was God’s plan.”
All these things might be great for the religion you practice but unless you are of the same faith as the person grieving it’s best not to put that upon them. Often even being the same faith for these quips is of no consolation to the person grieving a loss.

Grief is brutal; everyone goes through the process in their own way and only within their own time frame. We also grieve much differently depending on the relationship. Whether it is you who is grieving, or someone you know, afford them the time to grieve on their own and in their own way. Support them in whatever form they need, rather than whatever form you think they need.

2: “Let me know if you need anything.”

That sounds like such a beautiful and thoughtful offer to someone who is grieving. It is telling them that if they ever need help with something, you are going to be there for them to help. Now, if this is absolutely without a doubt true—by all means say that line! But I’ve found that out of every fifty people who have said that line to me, only 4 or 5 truly meant it.

Someone in the midst of their grief who needs help with something is very reluctant to ask for help in the first place. When they finally do reach out and no one is willing to come through for them, chances are they will not dare ask again for help. If you are going to offer your help generically—please be kind enough to come through. Maybe a better way to offer your help is to be specific and not generic. “I am skilled in plumbing. If you ever have a need, call me, I would be happy to help.”

Look. If there is something that you can do to help, just do it. Don’t say, “I know you are having this issue with that thing so if you need me, call me.” Instead say, “I’m going to come over and help you with that thing, what is a good day or time for you?”

3: Food is a great help to those grieving or going through an illness. Keep in mind some Dos and Don’ts:

Don’t send food without asking the person first. When my husband was in the hospital with cancer he had all sorts of food issues. The smells bothered him, he couldn’t tolerate many things, some foods made him sick, or he just couldn’t keep it down. Also, patients with a compromised immune system have to be careful about foodborne illnesses and how foods are prepared and stored. Oftentimes their favorite foods aren’t tolerated at all. While it is a beautiful way to support someone, it’s also a great idea to ask first.

Do send gift cards to their favorite restaurant or fast food place. Nothing is better after a day of running to appointments or trying to get a million things done by yourself than a quick meal that you don’t have to cook yourself. A good suggestion is to ask first what sort of places they like to eat at and give a gift card you know they will use.

I know when my husband was going through chemo, one friend gave us some Mcdonald’s gift cards and we would often stop on the way to the infusion room for a quick breakfast sandwich. It’s the little things like that which make a big difference.

4: Do errands or chores for someone.

People who are grieving a loss or are helping someone with an illness are stretched for time and energy. If the loss is a spouse or a parent, that person is now doing the work of two people. In addition to their own responsibilities, they are now carrying a load of another as well.

We have been conditioned our whole lives to be strong. Most generations have been taught that big boys or big girls don’t cry. We’ve been told to suck it up and move on from our issues—without being told that first, we need to face our turmoil in order to heal.

So it’s only natural that a grieving person will say, “I’ve got this.” “I can handle this.” I know that’s exactly what I did when I lost my husband. I certainly didn’t want to look like I couldn’t do it all. Til the point when I realized I really couldn’t do it all—not alone.

Step in and help the person out. Offer to help with yard work or errands. Offer to help with a project or house maintenance. Suggest things that need to be accomplished seasonally that this person might not be aware of—like winterizing things.

If you know them well enough, offer to watch their kids for a few hours or walk their dog. Little things are the biggest help!

5: Check in with them.

One of the things that touched my heart the most was when people called or stopped by just to “check in.” It meant a lot to know that people were still concerned and more importantly were still thinking of my husband enough to reach out to me. He had a good group of friends and a few of them still reach out to say hello and just do a quick check-in to see if I need anything. It is extremely welcoming and comforting. Send that text, make that call, and stop over if you are in the neighborhood!

6: Good things to say:

“I know how much you loved him. I know how much he loved you.”
“You can cry anytime, apologies are not necessary.”
“I am here for you.” (but you must really mean that)
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
“I have no words right now.”
“I’m so sorry you are in pain.”
“My heart breaks for you.”

And finally, one thing I found to be exceptionally welcoming and healing was a story. At my husband’s wake, we set up a table with pens, paper, and a basket. We encouraged mourners to jot down a memory or story and put it into the basket. It was very helpful to read what others remembered and shared.

If you are here and have lost someone I am truly sorry for your loss. If you are here because someone you know has lost someone, please be gentle.
Thank you for reading,
Sheila